"STANDING ROOM ONLY" (Lights up on BARRY and MARTIN standing in a cemetery. MARTIN is smoking.) (After a long silence.) BARRY You should put that out. MARTIN This? BARRY Yeah. MARTIN Why? BARRY (gestures at their surroundings) MARTIN We're outside. You can still smoke outside, can't you? BARRY I just thought. . . MARTIN What's the big deal? BARRY Well, what with. . . MARTIN Nobody cares. BARRY With him dying of lung cancer and all. MARTIN Oh, yeah. BARRY You know? MARTIN I forgot. BARRY I figured. MARTIN Completely slipped my mind. BARRY It's best not to dwell on things like that at a time like this. MARTIN That's what the guy said. BARRY Guy? MARTIN Preacher. . .priest. . .what was he? BARRY I'm not sure. Unitarian. I don't know what they have. MARTIN I think they have "Bob". Bob, the guy who does the funeral service. (They crack up.) BARRY Shh. Shh. Everyone's looking over here. MARTIN Not everyone. BARRY Enough of everyone. MARTIN (with pretentious authority) In some cultures, it's perfectly acceptable to laugh during a funeral. (BARRY thinks this over. Doesn't have a comeback.) MARTIN I expect you guys to laugh at my funeral. BARRY If anyone shows up. MARTIN You're not coming to my funeral? BARRY Will there be a bar? MARTIN (beat) Probably. BARRY I'll see what I can do. MARTIN Tommy can draw an audience and I can't? BARRY I wouldn't put it that way. MARTIN Sounds like that's what you're saying. BARRY I wouldn't put it that way. MARTIN How would you put it? BARRY I don't know. I guess like this: If you want to have this many people at your funeral, you better jump in that hole before they start filling it. (Pause.) MARTIN They already started. BARRY Just a few handfuls. You still have time. MARTIN I wasn't sure whether to join in on that. The throwing the dirt in part? It's kind of creepy. Kind of felt like it looks like you're glad they're gone. BARRY Then it's probably good you didn't. MARTIN Yeah? BARRY Yeah. MARTIN Then I'm glad I didn't. BARRY Good. (Pause.) MARTIN You ever cried listening to a song? BARRY Which song? MARTIN Any song. But like "Love Train" or something. BARRY "Love Train"? MARTIN Yeah. (sings) "People all over the world/Join hands/Start a love train/love train". BARRY That makes you cry? MARTIN No, I'm using it as an example. (beat) But, yeah, it made me cry. BARRY Did they sing that at the service? MARTIN No, I heard it on a commercial last night. Jeans or something. BARRY A jeans commercial made you cry. MARTIN The song made me cry. It just happened to be in a jeans commercial. BARRY Weird. MARTIN Is it? BARRY I guess. MARTIN That's never happened to you? BARRY Not that I can remember. MARTIN But does it sound like something that's possible within the confines of human experience? BARRY I guess. MARTIN Well, it is possible because it happened to me, so that's not the question. I'm just wondering if you've ever heard of it happening to anyone else. BARRY Not that I know of. MARTIN So, once again, I'm the freak. BARRY I didn't say that. MARTIN You implied it. BARRY You asked, I answered. MARTIN Whatever. BARRY You don't like the answer, go talk to someone else. MARTIN Oh, ha ha ha. BARRY Hey, I didn't ask you to come. MARTIN Nobody asked me to come. BARRY You just showed up? MARTIN You don't get invited to funerals. Do you? (beat) Aw, crap, is there some kind of system or something? BARRY I don't know. MARTIN You asked me if I just showed up. BARRY I was surprised to see you here. MARTIN Tommy was a friend. BARRY Yeah. MARTIN In a way. BARRY Yeah. MARTIN Can we not get into this? BARRY Fine with me. MARTIN Thank you. (Pause.) MARTIN Sorry I bummed out the funeral by showing up. BARRY Knock it off. MARTIN I felt like I should. BARRY Then it's good you did. MARTIN They didn't kick me out. BARRY They've got other things on their mind. MARTIN Meaning if they thought about it-- BARRY Meaning with things as they are, I'm sure this falls under the "let bygones be bygones" heading. MARTIN So, things are cool now that-- BARRY I wouldn't go that far. (Pause.) MARTIN It's too bad he had to go out like this. BARRY It was ugly. MARTIN Was it? BARRY Yeah. MARTIN I imagine. BARRY Hooked up the way he was. The pain. MARTIN Right. (beat) No, what I meant was it's too bad he didn't go out in a better way. BARRY I know. That's what I was saying. MARTIN I mean, don't you kind of wish he'd been trapped in the Trade Center or something like that? BARRY Did you mean to ask that out loud? MARTIN All I'm saying is that would have at least been something. Smoke yourself to death, who cares? But being struck down in a nationally televised disaster? See, then at least your friends and family have something interesting to talk about. BARRY I'm sure if they had it all to do over again-- MARTIN We're just talking here. Just you and me. And I'm just saying that really if you think about it, the least you can do when you croak is to give the people you love a story they can tell. Like, you took off for work for this, right? BARRY Yeah. MARTIN You go in tomorrow and tell everyone you were out because your friend died. And they feel bad and say they're "sorry" and all that. But you tell them that he was killed in that thing and you get this little bit of extra sympathy, you know? A little extra sympathy and some cachet. BARRY Yeah, well, I never thought of it that way. MARTIN It's just-- You know, it gets harder and harder to feel anything for stuff anymore. BARRY Stuff? MARTIN The stuff you see. The stuff that happens every day. All the things that are supposed to draw us together. And it just gets hard to really feel anything about it because it's all so-- It's just so huge that you'd kinda go crazy trying to feel something about it. But everybody else is all stricken about it and devastated and what not and you guess you wish you could be there with them. So, you know, if just somebody I'd known had been involved, then at least it would be a way in. Right? A little road into feeling it or what have you. (Silence.) MARTIN Not only that but it gives your friends and coworkers something to hang all that bad feeling on, you know? Takes it out of the abstract for them. They don't have to just feel bad about everything. They can feel bad for you in particular. BARRY I'll keep that in mind. (beat) I'm going to go say "hey" to Edie. MARTIN I'll hang back here.