"THE GIFT REGISTRY OF THE MAGI" (Lights up on two finely robed magi: BALTHAZAR and GASPAR. The former looks to the heavens. The latter lays back on his pack, cool as a cucumber.) (A third magi- MELCHIOR- enters, adjusting his clothes after a powerful urination.) MELCHIOR Anything? BALTHAZAR Not yet. MELCHIOR Lousy clouds. BALTHAZAR I thought I saw it a minute ago. GASPAR Careful or he'll have us following a flock of cranes. Again. BALTHAZAR You would think a holy portent such as this beguiling celestial visitor would be able to show itself through unexpected cirrostratus systems. MELCHIOR You don't appear to be disturbed by this vexing turn of events, Gaspar. GASPAR We've been in the saddle since the majestic fireball thingee lured us away from our indeterminate Oriental home. My hump could use the break, thank you. MELCHIOR The possibility of having audience with one who could be the very incarnation of the Great Unknown doesn't fill you with an insuppressible desire to reach our journey's end? GASPAR What's the hurry? We've been following this frammis for a year and half now. The kid's barely out of swaddling clothes. I doubt we're missing much. MELCHIOR But to be in his presence. . . GASPAR Pwah! You remember the barrel of laughs the infant Ormaz of Chaldea turned out to be? Five months following a pillar of fire to spend ten minutes being puked on by a colicky ankle biter with irritable bowel syndrome. MELCHIOR He never amounted to much as a divine manifestation, did he? GASPAR I warned you. MELCHIOR That was Balthazar's call. BALTHAZAR All I said was that he'd be "Lord and Master". GASPAR "Of Fine Imported Carpets"! Those annoying details. BALTHAZAR My vision was fuzzy and incomplete. GASPAR The spirit world can be a real whore master sometimes. BALTHAZAR You've been such a know-it-all since you predicted the Buzkashi Finals Champion. . . GASPAR Five years in a row! MELCHIOR Guys. Come on. A little peace on Earth here, huh? We are, after all, on a holy mission. GASPAR Well, he could have done us the favor of being born a little closer to home. If He Who Lives Beyond the Veil is going to materialize in the form of a child, I don't see why he'd pick scenic downtown Palestine as his point of entry. BALTHAZAR Maybe he likes a good fight. GASPAR He better. Just wait until they're able to power metal chariots with the desiccated fat of the great beasts. BALTHAZAR Like that'll ever happen. GASPAR Hey, it was a clear vision. Complete with thunder and a great renting of the sky. BALTHAZAR Melchior's prediction about. . .what did you call it? MELCHIOR Internet porn. BALTHAZAR . . .will come true before yours does and he admits that his was the result of some bad hummus. GASPAR Oh, all of a sudden, the seer who predicted that the world will tremble under the feet of Hannibal's elephants has grown a pair of furries, huh? (BALTHAZAR turns back to the heavens, frustrated.) MELCHIOR What did you guys get him? BALTHAZAR Huh? MELCHIOR Baby present. What'd you get him? BALTHAZAR I figured I'd wait 'til we got there and see what they need. I saw this darling outfit before we left, but you never know. Kids grows like weeds at that age. MELCHIOR You can't take nothing. Come on. Can you imagine showing up at the door with nothing but a smile and a promise? You have to bring a gift. Something to warm the heart and curry favor with the great and powerful. BALTHAZAR What'd you get him? MELCHIOR Frankincense and myrrh. BALTHAZAR Oh, he'll love that. MELCHIOR It's quality stuff. BALTHAZAR You don't give a kid embalming ointments. MELCHIOR They smell nice. BALTHAZAR No, they smell better than dead people. That's their claim to fame. They're not marketed as ideal home products. "Gee, mom, I thought we already buried Grandma." "No, son, it's just the gifts those knuckleheads from the East gave you." "Aw, that's swell!" MELCHIOR At least I'm bringing something, Captain Practical. How about you, Gaspar? GASPAR Simple and sweet. Gold. (MELCHIOR and BALTHAZAR give GASPAR the hard stare.) GASPAR What? BALTHAZAR You friggin' show-off. GASPAR It's straight out of the first scroll of Confucius: "If you can't find a gift, give money". BALTHAZAR Payola! GASPAR Look, fellas, it's not a contest. The kid probably won't even know. The parents will have that spent on undertunics and physician bills before he even knows his own name. BALTHAZAR Unless he turns out to be The One. Then me and Melchior are screwed. I've had it, Gaspar. Me and you are gonna go round and round. GASPAR Talk about a fuzzy vision. BALTHAZAR That does it! (MELCHIOR jumps between them.)