"BOB'S BIRTHDAY"

                                   (BOB enters with a birthday cake. 
                                   Places it on the table.  Exits.)

                                   (He returns with plastic forks, paper
                                   plates, and party hats.  Arranges. 
                                   Exits.)

                                   (Returns with a boombox.  Sets it at
                                   the head of the table.  Lights the
                                   candles on the cake.  Hits "play". 
                                   Exits.)

                                   (Several voices from the boombox.  All
                                   of them Bob's.)

                                   TONY
            I heard something.

                                   SUSAN
            He's not due for another hour.

                                   MOM
            Someone check.

                                   UNCLE ERNIE
            He's coming!

                                   TONY
            Aw, crap, everybody hide!

                                   SUSAN
            Get the lights!

                                   MOM
            Shh!  Shh!

                                   (The boombox goes silent.  Bob enters,
                                   taking off his coat.  Looking
                                   innocent.)

                                   EVERYONE
                          (from the boombox)
            Surprise!

                                   BOB
            (cries out in surprise)

                                   EVERYONE
            Happy birthday to you!
            Happy birthday to you!
            Happy birthday, Dear Bob!
            Happy birthday to you!

                                   UNCLE ERNIE
            He's blushing.

                                   EVERYONE
            (erupt into laughter and "awws")

                                   BOB
                          (not on the boombox)
            I don't believe it.

                                   MOM
            Blow out the candles!

                                   TONY
            Before the fire department gets here.

                                   EVERYONE
            (laughs)

                                   SUSAN
            Make a wish.

                                   (Bob does as he's told.)

                                   MIKE
            Did it come true?

                                   BOB
            No.  You're still here.

                                   EVERYONE
            Aww!

                                   MOM
            Be nice.

                                   MIKE
            Get over here, you smart ass.

                                   (Bob exchanges punches with the
                                   imaginary Mike and then gets noogied.)

                                   UNCLE ERNIE
            Knock it off, ya moron.

                                   MIKE
            C'mon, Dad.

                                   BOB
            It's all right.  Whose idea was this?

                                   EVERYONE
                          (hemming and hawing at first)
            Her!  It was hers!

                                   BOB
            I thought so.  Get over here.

                                   (Bob takes "Susan" into his arms and
                                   kisses her.)

                                   EVERYONE
            (cheers and whistles)

                                   SUSAN
            You wouldn't believe how easy it was to get people to come.

                                   BOB
            Hi, Mom.

                                   MOM
            My boy.

                                   (Bob gets a kiss on the cheek.)

                                   MOM
            I must say that I feel a lot better tonight. . .

                                   BOB
                          (finishing the line)
            . . .than I did 30 years ago.

                                   EVERYONE
            (laughs)

                                   MOM
            Oh, you're so smart.

                                   (The sound of a glass breaking.)

                                   TONY
            Party foul!

                                   BOB
            Who did it?

                                   TIMMY
            Sorry, Uncle Bob.

                                   BOB
            Don't worry about it, Timmy.  I do it all the time.

                                   TONY
            Cuz he's a total klutz.

                                   BOB
            What was that?

                                   TONY
            You heard me.

                                   BOB
            Look who's talking.

                                   TONY
            Can you hear this?  Then turn it up.

                                   BOB
                          (looks down, looks surprised)
            Aww!  (pause) How did you get everyone into this apartment?

                                   MOM
            So many people were coming we almost rented a ballroom.

                                   BOB
            Wow.

                                   MOM
            Who wouldn't want to be here?

                                   UNCLE ERNIE
            Hey, champ.

                                   BOB
            Hey, Uncle Ernie.

                                   UNCLE ERNIE
            Happy birthday, big man.

                                   BOB
            Thanks.

                                   (Pause.)

                                   UNCLE ERNIE
            I just want to say. . .

                                   BOB
                          (simultaneously)
            I've been meaning to tell you. . .

                                   UNCLE ERNIE & BOB
                          (back and forth)
            Go ahead.  No, you first.  No, really.  Go on.

                                   UNCLE ERNIE
            All right.  I just want to tell you that I am just so-  Just
            so goddamned proud of. . .Aw, hell, I'm no good at this.